I never thought this moment would come—the moment I would be in my new home writing this.
2020 Recap…
I learned grief is a process deserving of its own space and time. As my marriage unraveled so did the rest of my life. Like so many others I was forced to reinvent my business one more time, I sold my house, I totaled my car, I released unhealthy dynamics in some close relationships, and continue to do so.
After spending many months army crawling through the weeds, waiting for the next emotional bomb, unexpected incident, and heartbreak, I was drowning—feelings of shame, shock, grief, embarrassment and failure consumed my
mind and heart. Somewhere in the deep dark chambers of the heart, which I was able to access through a painful tempering, I made a decision—no giving up, moving forward is the only option. Every day I told myself I could do it, I would be ok, and help would be there.
I held onto that rope as my lifeline, pulling me back into the ship of faith and the compass of my spiritual path sailed me to safe ground. I made an agreement with my own heart and soul. At times the waves of emotion knocked me down and around, but my salvation in the end, always, is to look within, and ask myself how I can improve, contribute, let go, elevate and be in a way that loves more deeply, serves more fully and uplifts those around me, while learning how to have healthy boundaries that can respect all.
Because the thing is, none of us are really answerable to any other human being but ourselves. The truth is that no one gets to decide what anyone else’s evolution looks like. We have been given both the freedom, the choice and the willpower to change, but not through someone else’s lense of what that is. I am so grateful to those of you who reminded me of that—that I am strong, that I have family, that I am not alone. You showed up when I didn’t even know how to ask for help.
Evolution is a process and we experience some version of a pressurized crucible designed to annihilate the ego and wake us up. Some lessons are hard learned and others fall into our hearts without effort.
This year has brought me to my knees, but I promise you, I will keep showing up for you. In many ways I feel stronger than I ever have. Our challenges and heartbreaks, though in the moment feel debilitating, inevitably become resources. And because of that, while so much of me could hate you, I love you and bow to you 2020. #thankyou